i can鈥檛 believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 馃ス馃ス馃ス馃ス馃ス forgot how good the sims 4 is
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Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can鈥檛 make me better, i can make us both worse.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket