Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
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[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.