I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
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Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Pretty much. 🤣
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]