How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
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spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.