I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
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INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
My inexpensive home security system…