If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
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I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
In space, no one can hear…
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great