Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
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The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!