All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
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NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
I didn’t come here to be called names
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.