My body is a “wonder what happened” land
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Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Ron is short for Aaronald
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery