My body is a “wonder what happened” land
You Might Also Like
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.