Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
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That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”