Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
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[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Blew my mind.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him