The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
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Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap