-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
You Might Also Like
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Who knew!
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.