And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
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If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Nice try Hitler
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.