I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
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I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.