What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
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If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.