turning my gender off to conserve energy
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Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i鈥檒l say no
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I鈥檇 also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It鈥檚 next to your machete
J: Hon, that鈥檚 my work mask. If it鈥檚 all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I鈥檓 stalking camp councillors
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
{Dictating journal because I鈥檓 too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It鈥檚 a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren鈥檛 stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
This made me laugh more than it should鈥檝e 馃槶
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
A new house isn鈥檛 a home until you鈥檝e let a bag of salad die in the fridge
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that鈥檚 my coffee thermos you moron…
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*