ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
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Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?