Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
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“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.