My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
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It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
This is a whole mood;
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
even bears disappoint their mothers
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library