My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
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me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends