I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
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“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.