Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
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Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits