Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
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GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.