Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
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“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
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“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.