*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
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*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.