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Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
accurate
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Good morning, Twitter x
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas