The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
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In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Liquor Store Parking
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Not all heroes wear capes….
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.