Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
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Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you