Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
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Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
True freaking story!
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
I feel it
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
what’s really going on
*seductively corrects your posture*
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*