ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
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“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
“Why you watching this shit?”
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.