Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
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If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
men, we mow at sunrise.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
She: I like Cats
He:
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.