Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
You Might Also Like
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.