I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
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Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.