My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
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My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
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If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.