I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
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LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say