[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
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One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
What’s so funny?