Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
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Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Saturday
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all