My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
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Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.