My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
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Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Would you wear it?