No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
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If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
One of the best
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.