I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
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Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
thanks auntie mary
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
I just stopped by to water my horse.
I forgot how to panic. Help
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Body by sandwich.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.