My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
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Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
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Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what