Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
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my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
A collection of me turning into random objects.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Good Morning.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.