@KateWhineHall

Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.

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@Wine_honey1

I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.

@scootergonscoot

due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds

@Brianhopecomedy

I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.

@Parkerlawyer

“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”

-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine

@sofarrsogud

Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.

@fro_vo

Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice

@LeahsLounge

1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave

@BlondAmbitionTO

“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”

@Cain_Unable

1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe

@NeinQuarterly

Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.