Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.

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I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.


due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds


I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.


“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”

-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine


Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.


Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice


1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave


“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”


1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe


Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.