My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
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I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.