It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
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I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
There is wisdom there.