Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
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Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert