In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
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*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
This did not end as expected.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY