In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
You Might Also Like
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.