“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
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Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
My god she’s good.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…