The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
You Might Also Like
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat