My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
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Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
When news reporters do sports stories
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?